I feel like it’s much easier being single
I have such a love/hate with dating…like why does it have to be so difficult. You would think people would genuinely want to have something long lasting or great, but it’s always a fucking game. Especially these days, as much as anyone says that social media and technology hasn’t affected how things play out, that’s not true. Options are through the roof for everyone and it makes exclusivity that much harder.
Don’t get me wrong, meeting someone new can be so exciting and fun. But is it worth the roller coaster of feelings? I don’t know. I am definitely one of those people who loves love. The teasing, the comfort, the butterflies, everything. I think it’s such a beautiful thing and it’s something I want to experience to the fullest in my own life. But why is it so hard to get there?
I want to say that I’m not great at dating. I am a lone-wolf by default. That’s something rarely anyone truly knows because I’m relatively extroverted in general. But it’s partly a facade…I put on a face some of the time to make people happy and like me more. When in reality, sometimes I just want to be alone and curl up in a ball and just not do anything. That’s why I’m not good at dating and have been single for some time now. I only show my true persona to myself; I haven’t felt the need to show it to anyone else so far.
I obviously don’t want to be alone forever. But sometimes I wish we could skip the stupid games and be honest. I feel like I still have so much to offer to a partner.
Here’s to finding love one day. Maybe not now, but one day.
Haven’t been here in a long time
But that’s because I usually am only posting when I’m sad, angry, tired, upset. For the first time, I’m finally not here for that reason. I’m just happy. I’m so happy that it’s hard for me to not break into a smile and cry and do nothing else but BE happy, truly. I haven’t felt such contentment in myself, my life, everything. I’m so proud of who I am right now and what I’ve been through.
People have told me that they really appreciate how transparent I am about my history of depression and self harm. They will say that I’m strong…I never really understood it; I always felt like it was the right thing to say and do in the event the subject comes up in conversation. But I think I finally have understood a glimpse of it. I’m at a point where I’m also proud of myself for what I’ve been through and overcoming it.
I know this is the most cliche thing to be said about overcoming your demons, but I really attribute everything I am to loving myself. There is some power in loving yourself as you are, but for me, I found power in wanting to love myself so much that I pushed to make the changes I needed to in order to really feel content. And it worked. I found passion in lifting weights, working out, living in the city as a single person and loving the independence, finally feeling like a nurse in training (and almost being a full-fledged nurse), coming out of my shell and laughing a lot more, challenging myself even if it made me uncomfortable, nurturing my close friendships with beautiful, amazing friends, and generally putting my wants and needs first.
I’m just so happy. :)
I still hate Christmas.
Thought I was really over the whole “bah humbug I’m old enough to not care that everyone else is celebrating except me”, but it still makes me sad. It makes me feel empty.